I am Only Human

Before you interpret the title as me grasping for compliments, accolades or pity...please just keep reading before any of these ideas take hold in your mind. I mentioned last week in the video that I have the hardest time keeping up with my blog because there is so much I want to tell you that I never know where to begin or end. This is true. Another reason is there are times when I would like to express my failures, insecurities and frustrations but fear appearing as though I am complaining. Usually, I'm not. I have so many things to be thankful for. And I am living a dream I have had since I was just a little kid. But every dream has its rotten parts. It doesn't matter whether you are working in your favorite job or in a job you absolutely hate,there are good and bad days. Doing so while navigating life and a completely new kind of work, without the benefit of a team or other people of my own culture, in another country further complicates and magnifies the horrors of the bad days. But 1 Corinthians 15:58 tells me that as long as I am working for the Lord, my labor is not in vain. What an encouragment! I have recently been inspired by my friend, Ashley Collins, who is working in Tanzania, to try to put into words what I feel as I try to do my best to serve God here in El Salvador. She is a brilliant writer and describes what any person serving in a foreign country goes through in such an impeccable way and with her natural funny wit, I would love to just copy and paste pieces of her blog her. She is just that good at it! 

First, I want to talk about the loneliness. It is something that I don't even have words to explain. When Ashley spoke of this in one of her blog posts, our mutual friend and missionary in Romania (also from Indiana), Joe Bradford, shared the link to her blog and a quote from it as his status on FB. Here is a piece of it below. Mark and Kaye Collins (Ashley's parents) responded to the comments Joe and I posted. You see, we all know each other. We attend/ed the same church in Indiana. Ashley is now in Africa, Joe in Romania and I am here in El Salvador. I realized that I was not the only one feeling this way when first I read what Ashley wrote, and it was affirmed even further when Joe re-posted this. I also found out, that through this type of communication, family members and friends left behind at home can better understand what we are feeling. I was incredibly encouraged by this. The full blog post, and other beautifully written pieces, can be found on Ashley's blog at www.bound2tanzania.wordpress.com

Joe Bradford posted:

This is the difference between a writer and a guy who tries to write stuff. Beautiful piece! ..... appetizer from Ashley's blog post: "I often think “what am I doing here?” but I can usually assuage those doubts with my convictions of the work I’m doing. But being lonely is different. It’s when you want to throw in the towel and be selfish, so you can run back home to the people and places you know. Loneliness doesn’t care about your strongly-held views of justice and and your sense of adventure. Loneliness is nagging and hopeless and draining. I went to sleep empty."

east african roadtripping

Sunday was a 6-hour ride in a shuttle through the mountains of Tanzania and scrubland of Kenya. It was heat and dust and an angry two-year old seated somewhere behind me. It was stopping at the bor...

bound2tanzania.wordpress.com

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  Kristi Burns It is an awesome piece and I am posting part of it too. If only I could explain my feelings, that are so foreign to most, so eloquently and accurately. I have struggled with loneliness for most of my adult life but this scenario takes it to a whole new level sometimes
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  Joe Bradford: The peculiar thing is that even if you are going around like a rock star, you're no less doing a stretch in solitary. You are not just unknown, you're also unknowable. People laugh but they don't get your joke. See you in 8 weeks!
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  Mark Collins  (Ashley's dad): I appreciate both of your thoughts. It helps me to better understand what Ashley is going through. Thanks to both of you for the difference you are making in the kingdom.
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  Kristi Burns Thank you! Sometimes I wish I had a roommate, or a working partner, even one that was annoying or obnoxious, just to feel like I still possess some interpersonal human feelings! It is tricky when you are alone. I know, I know, be careful what you pray for! Lol. Love and appreciate you guys!!
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  Kaye Collins (Ashley's mom): So love these words, all. Thank you.

  The day this happened was a breakthrough day for me! Ashley is the only one from her area who went to Tanzania but she has American, English-speaking friends where she lives. She has a roommate. She is having to learn Swahili from the most basic words. That is enough to make one feel crazy. Joe is married and he and his beautiful wife Kendra work with a team as well. They are in a land with a different culture and different language, but at least they don't stand out because of their color or size where they live. But I am sure that language barrier is sometimes frustrating and being away from their children can at times be unbearable. I am here and speak the Spanish language pretty fluently, but stick out like a sore thumb in this town because with the exception of a few Peace Corps Volunteers who occasionally come into town to do some shopping and get internet access, I am the only white girl (white person period for that matter), native English speaker in town. But, even with the different advantages and disadvantages we each have compared to one another: We are all in different shoes, doing completely different kinds of work, on three different continents. But we all experience the exact same feelings! I was so glad to know this! I felt a little less crazy! So, thank you Ashley and Joe for your candid thoughts. And thank you Mark and Kaye for your encouragement. I love all of you!

  
  

  So this past week was not much different than weeks past, with the exception of the pace picking up at record speeds! I am teaching sustainable agriculture classes in 2 different towns, with 4 different garden sites in the works. I also have loom knitting classes going on in 3 different towns and one English class in the town down the road. You talk about confusing. Pair that with the fact that communication here is not what it is at home. Unlike when I was teaching in the classroom in the States, I now NEVER have to write the date...ever, have no concept of the month because I can't gauge it by the weather or holidays, and I have to check what day of the week it even is to know where I am supposed to be. Which town? Which class? Was this the one that the group decided to cancel this week or am I supposed to be there? Sometimes the group cancels and doesn't tell me until I get there because no one had minutes on their phone to call me and none of them have WiFi to be able to message me. Frustrating right? At first maybe. But now, it really doesn't bother me. You see, people here often live day to day to make ends meet. And if this is the only day of the week it isn't going to rain and the bean crop needs harvested, the whole class drops everything and we all go help to help harvest that crop. No one complains. There is no hustle about life. We take is as it comes and we help each other out. I actually love this aspect of it and feel like I may be in big trouble when I move back to the States. I have developed a ton of patience and really enjoy being able to see what's most important in someone else's life vs being a slave to a schedule that only makes you feel like a loser if you can't fit it all in. You see, I have slowed down a lot. A whole lot. I do still make it a point to be where I'm supposed to be and to be there on time. I feel it is the respectful, responsible and right thing to do. But I don't throw a fit if the whole plan changes. I am adjusting to this.

  Friday night, a group of Peace Corp Volunteers was going to be in town to have a get-together for Halloween. I was invited to go and 3 of the girls needed a place to spend the night. All 3 of them live outside of town, 2 up in the Zona Alta that is freezing right now, and none of them have WiFi or warm showers. So, imagine the excitement when I invited them to stay here! I knew Halloween wasn't really recognized here, but I did not know that it is actually pretty much completely banned for members of the church. They spent the whole day here Friday and we had a wonderful time listening to music that we all could sing along to in our own language, they were treated to no-bake cookies, WiFi, warm showers and just good company. They all had costumes for the party but I just did not have the energy during the week to find one. So, we went that evening to the party. No big deal. Costume contest, mummy wrapping contest, pin the wart on witch, etc. An American gathering that did not involve anything close to what the locals associate Halloween with. It was a fun time. But after telling my good friends the next day, I learned that is was super frowned upon here. Oops. That pesky cultural barrier. They asked what we did in the States. I explained that it is a tradition of dressing up in costumes and giving and receiving candy.  Even churches host Trunk or Treats, etc. Whew! That helped my case. I did not hurt anyone's feelings and won't be voted off the island any time soon I don't think! It was so much fun having the girls over that I didn't want to go outside Saturday morning and continue the digging and tree chopping that is involved with the garden on this site. I also had a knitting class at 10. I just wanted to pull the shades and stay in with my new friends (fairly new anyway). We had mattresses covering the floor and we all just wanted to stay in PJs, listen to music, laugh, cook breakfast, have coffee and enjoy each others' company and be American the whole day! I was responsible though and did my work. I do thank God though for giving me a couple days of relaxing fun though. 

  I still owe you guys a video tour of my apartment, which is on the school and church property. After figuring out how to do a video last week, I will have that coming up soon. I will also do a post about the sustainable gardens and the super students God has put in these classes. I have learned more from one of these groups than I could ever express and they are a very special group of people. That post will be loaded with fun pictures! 

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  Gob bless and be with you all! 

  Kristi Burns

  Acts 20:24